An Adventure to Live

Processing

2011-07-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Ooohhh it's been awhile. I don't know if I ignore posting on this because I don't think anyone reads it anymore or because I am too busy. Probably a combination of both. Either way I'll take another crack at trying to keep up.

I started my new internship May 23. And let me tell you it has been a whirlwind ever since. My first day I felt so out of sorts and walked out of there praying "God, I don't know if I'm cut out for this." Before I get ahead of myself I'll tell you what my internship is. I work at the Florence Crittenton Agency as an intern therapist for the Level III residents. In residential programs there are a few different levels. Level III simply means the residents are on lockdown. They are not in jail, it just means that all doors of the building are locked and they cannot get out (I guess it sort of sounds like jail when you put it like that.) We serve kids ages 13-17 who have been court mandated to complete our 60 day program. All of the kids who come to us have struggled with drug abuse/addiction. Most of the kids also come in with lots of traumatic history. I work mainly with their mental health and trauma.

I currently have two clients. Both of whom are as opposite as you can possibly get. A girl and a boy. One very ready for change in life. The other, goes back and forth. These two teach me what patience, persistence, being bold and being creative looks like. They are difficult and they are arrogant teenagers who think they know everything but don't really have a clue. They are frustrating and exhausting. But most importantly they are desperately seeking to be loved. They have sweetness in their hearts and hopes and dreams for their lives. It is a privelege and an honor to work with them and fight for them.

It is such a different world doing therapy with teenagers who have been sent here against their will as opposed to my previous internship doing therapy with college age students who freely and willingly come up to our center. I am challenged every single day. There are days that I walk away thinking I am the worst therapist ever and I'm not doing these kids a bit of good. And there are days I walk away grateful that I had a few moments to just connect with them in a real way.

I have found that I hate the learning process of things. It's like I expect myself to go into a new situation and just automatically get the hang of it and do really well. This was proven even more to me when Christopher started teaching me piano and I felt like I had to master it the first night. It's really silly, I know. I have these impossibly high expectations for myself that will just not be reached. I am being humbled in this process. God's teaching me to just slooooowwwwww dooowwwnnnn and soak it all in. I am here in this place for a whole year. I don't even have my degree yet. I am allowed to not know what I'm doing! I have to allow myself that grace...or I will go crazy.

I've also learned a lot about appreciating that life comes in seasons. Some seasons are incredibly hard and others are calm. This season is a hard one. Not that I am not enjoying it because I love where I am in life. There are many beautiful things happening and I am having a blast. But I am more stressed and busier than I ever have been. I have signed on for a lot of hours at FCA and I have a part time job on top of beginning another year of classes and trying to maintain some semblence of a social life. Things get chaotic sometimes. And stressful. And exhausting. And overwhelming. How am I dealing with it all?? Sometimes not so well. I'll go on autopilot and not give my best to things. Or I will break down and cry...which is needed and ok sometimes.

And then there are the times when I steal some quiet moments in the morning with Jesus and a cup of coffee. Or I let Christopher encourage and love me in a way that warms my soul and renews my spirit. Or paint, or sing, or read, or talk to my family. Or enjoy a Sunday morning setting up for Crossings and connecting with people in my faith community. These are the things that bring it all back into perspective for me. I am doing all of this work for God and I want him to have my excellence. It's these resting places that I have learned to take advantage of. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years it is that God is an on-time God and he gives me these resting places just when I need them. Not all of my life will be chaotic (even though it's hard to believe that sometimes) there are many resting places along the way and calm seasons to come.

This is also a really interesting season in life because I think I am realizing for the first time in a big and real way that I live in Knoxville. I'm not just here because I'm going to school (even though I am still grad school). But I live here because I like it, and I'm more than likely staying here after I graduate in May. This is my home now. It feels so strange to say that. Because it's just me...none of my family. This is a life that I am establishing on my own. It's fun and exciting and scary and sometimes makes me nostalgic for summer evenings spent playing outside with my brother and sister. Visits home to see family are shorter, but certainly sweeter. It all just feels "'naturally weird"...what an oxymoron.

So this was my quick processing of just some of the events in the past few months.

More to come. Much more.

Yeaaaaa =)

2010-11-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

LORD,
Make me an instrument of Your health:
where there is sickness,
let me bring cure;
where there is injury,
aid;
where there is suffering,
ease;
where there is sadness,
comfort;
where there is despair,
hope
where there is death,
acceptance and peace

GRANT that I may not:
so much seek to be justified,
as to console;
to be obeyed,
as to understand;
to be honored,
as to love...
for it is in giving ourselves
that we heal,
it is in listening
that we comfort,
and in dying
that we are born to eternal life.

(prayer of St. Francis)

It seems that I finally found words to go with my deepest desire. This prayer said so many years ago encompasses what rests in the deepest parts of me. To be an instrument of God's health...mmm i love it. I'm seeing how deep this desire goes in me each day I get to work with clients. Being in the therapy room isn't always easy or pleasant, but I wake up every day feeling so priveleged to be an instrument of God's health and to help bring shalom to a desperate people. Yeaaaaa....it's good. And it's peaceful. It's like a deep, fulfilling breath of air.

I guess that's really all I have to say about it. :)

Wrestling

2010-09-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have been wrestling, so this messsage is about wrestling. Not literally.

Also, this message is a direct effect of being harrassed by a friend to do this. :) But I'm ok with it because I have needed to update this pitiful blog. So forgive me if this is all over the place, these are my thoughts on a whim.

I started Grad school almost two months ago and it has been a crazy whirlwind of an experience so far. I always have stuff to do and it is challenging me in many many ways. Academically it is do-able, just very time consuming (30 page papers don't take just an hour to do) and I really like learning about everything...it's really amazing to me. Mentally and emotionally and I am being tested all of the time. I'm tired a lot, and stressed more than I ever have been in my life. My clients are working through hard things and I am honored to be a part of their journey. I carry them in my heart throughout the day and lift each of them up to God who is their ultimate healer. I'm learning about how important intercession on my client's behalf is. If I didn't have Jesus to talk to about them and for them, I would feel so burdened by the hurt they experience. God is showing me so much of his heart through all of this. I'm learning that by myself, I cannot help any of the people who come up here to the counseling center. It is all Him. And I rely so much on his wisdom and love to guide me through each session. That's also a humbling thing and I like it. He is increasing so much more in my life. But that's not to say it isn't difficult. I wrestle with Him a lot about it...probably because I am stubborn. But that's part of what I love about God is that He lets me push back and then He pushes and then I push back until eventually I get it. I don't know if that makes sense but it makes sense to me so I don't care. I want to become like him and I think He is slowly but surely workin that out with me. I'm also working through accepting/knowing who I am in the Kingdom. 1 Corinthians talks about being part of the body...but what part am I? And am I really fulfilling my part? And what do I have to offer to the Kingdom? I don't know...I'm still wrestling with that.

But I do know that I love what I get to do every day. It is not easy at all, but I love that God has chosen me to help people wrestle. And I love that He's letting me wrestle.

More to come...

2010-03-10T13:30:00.001-08:00

The latest developments...

*I've applied to the grad program here at Johnson for Marriage and Family Therapy and Professional Counseling! I did not see this coming at all! God had kind of got me thinking about it last semester but I just figured maybe it would be an option way down the road after I have worked for a while. It turns out he had a sooner start date in mind :) I'll be here for another two years, which most of the time I am ok with but sometimes when I start to think about how I will not graduate until I'm almost 25 and won't be licensed until I'm 27 and how my friends are moving on to jobs...I get a little bit down. But God always seems to pick me right back up in the same instant. I have a TON of peace about this decision. I am so excited to further my education and to add to my undergrad degree in youth ministry. I think if I do decide to work in a church this degree could only help me. It makes my options for careers and ministry so much more broad...and I love it :)

* I am getting an apartment with three awesome girls, Molly Aper, Jenelle Blackburn and Erica Spoonmore. We'll live together for at least nine months starting in May. We are all really excited about moving in together and our house is AMAZING! It will be a lot of fun.

* I'm really enjoying this semester of classes. Maybe it's because I'm getting a little older, but I really like to go to my classes and learn. I value all of it. I've not really felt that way very much over the last three years, but I'm glad I do now since I have two more years!

* I got to go home over the weekend and celebrate Kaylie's 1st birthday. It was SO cool to be there surrounded by so many people who love her. She has been a huge blessing to our family. She's our little shining light :) It has been so cool for me as her aunt to watch her grow in every phase of her life so far and to know that I'll get to see every stage that is to come. I have so many hopes and dreams and prayers for her life. It will be incredible to get to be a part of her journey.

* That's it for now.

I have 4 minutes to write this thought

2009-12-14T15:46:00.001-08:00

A very quick thought...

I'm not so great at anything I do. And that's ok. When it gets down to it, Jesus is all that matters...not me. This life just isn't about me, not even a little bit.

That's refreshing.

A fountain of Life

2009-12-08T15:58:00.001-08:00

Sooooo it's been a super long time since I've written on here. I was still in California when I put something up. Sometimes it seems like that time in my life is something I made up. Or dreamt about. It's really strange. But then other times it's like in my face and very real to me. I'm still remembering lessons and relearning some and digging deeper into others and realizing how it has all effected me as a person. How I think, how I act, how I speak, how I work and plan and organize and communicate...it's all been effected by my experience in the wilderness. I think that's what God wanted for me though. I know it's what I wanted for myself. There will probably be more thoughts to come on this, but for now this is what's on my heart:

"The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life..." (Proverbs 10:9a)

I've been thinking a lot about my words and whether they are life-giving, encouraging, thoughtful, and intentional. We've all heard the phrase coined by Thumper from Bambi "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all." And while that may be true (to an extent) I think this verse goes much deeper than just saying nice things to people. I think it's talking about being intentional with what you are saying. It's talking about bringing life to another person and maybe even yourself through thoughtful and intelligent words. The way you speak and what you speak about can signify what you worship, what you care about, what you don't care about, and your integrity. I want my mouth to be an overflow of my heart and I want my heart to be a fountain of life. I want to talk more about things that matter instead of what I've done today or what I'm doing tomorrow or over break, I want to be more bold instead of silencing my thoughts because I'm afraid of what people will think, I want to be more encouraging instead of cutting, I want to speak with more wisdom instead of shallowness. I want to choose to speak in love instead of hatefulness. (A good friend reminded me of that the other day :) ) And I want the community that I live in to want this too. I want Johnson to be known as a community filled with men and women of purpose and integrity. Who lift each other up instead of tear each other down. Who speak in love to one another. And bring life to each other.

So this is what's on my heart and what I'm hoping to work on and get better at. Being a fountain of life.

The Good LIfe

2009-08-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

I figured out I'm living the good life.

I have a great family. Great friends. I'm covered in prayer and love by those people every day. And I serve a God who pursues me, takes away my burdens and offers me rest instead. Couldn't ask for more. I'm really content. And at peace. Which is the fruit I've been focusing on for the past week...and I've decided to go another week with it because I feel like God has more to show me about it.

I haven't written in awhile so I'll just put the big stuff on my heart right now. Last Tuesday I had counseling and Susan asked me "When you get home, what do you want to know in your heart?" And I started crying and I said " I want the students to know how much I love them. Because I really do." I came here expecting to care and love to an extent...but I never expected to fall so much in love with them. I carry them in my heart now. I decided to sit down individually with each student and tell them how much I love them and how they have impacted me. When I get home I want to know that I gave my heart away to them. I don't want any regrets. Before coming here I made the decision to dive in head first and not come up for air. I didn't want to take this opportunity God gave me for granted. So I've thrown myself into it...and the result was love. I'll take it. Susan affirmed a lot in me...like she always does. She basically told me I love without rules. And I don't give up on it. Even when it feels like that love isn't reciprocated I keep with it. I think she sees more in me than I do...but that's ok, God has used her this summer.

I've started to reflect a lot on my time here. I only have two weeks left so I want to try to prepare my heart for leaving. I'm most scared of leaving and the transformations that have happened in me, the lessons I've learned, the experiences, will all feel like a dream and I won't be able to really process what has happened to me the last 3 months. I need prayer that God helps me remember the experiences, encounters and lessons. That the transformation will be brought to completion in this part of my journey.

I'm also really nervous about going back to school. I'm hoping my friendships will be just as strong if not stronger than when I left. I guess I'm just scared because I know I've changed some (not in huge bad ways) that I will have trouble adjusting or relating. I don't know...I hoping that's not how it will be. That's something else you all can be praying about.

Other than all of that I'm just trying to finish out the internship really strong. I've made the commitment to be fully present and "in it" until I get on the plane. I don't want to check out on the students and I don't want them to check out on me. There is still love to be given, lessons to be learned and time to be shared. God will still blow me away in the next couple weeks.

JOY!

2009-07-23T14:47:00.001-07:00

Where?! Down in my heart!

Sometimes I like to sing cheesy christian camp songs. I'm sure many of you can relate.

This week was really pretty cool. I tried to have my eyes and heart open to experiencing and learning about joy. I came up with a few things. "The joy of the Lord is your strength." What does that mean? Well um I think it means that joy is something deeper and bigger than happiness. If you have joy it is from the Lord and it's lasting. I can still be sad, even heartbroken and still have the joy of the Lord in my heart and lean on that to get me through. The joy of the Lord makes me strong. Also, i think joy is something that flows out of love, or love flows out of joy...either way. I'm finding the more i meditate on these fruits the more intertwined they are. It's really stinkin cool. Being joyful doesn't mean you'll never have any other emotion than that. Because i'm not so sure that Joy is exactly an emotion. It's more of a defined "thing" for lack of a better word, in your heart. I'm not explaining all of this very well. But I know it in my heart. I guess that's the best thing I can say about joy. You KNOW without a doubt when the joy of the Lord is in your heart. And here's like a p.s to my thoughts on joy. Sometimes my joy becomes so great that I just can't contain it and i have to make a noise or smile or laugh just to praise God with it! :)

yesterday I had a very relaxing day off hanging out with Nikki and Tiffany. We went to a staff members house to swim in their pool and float on rafts all day. It was soooooo nice :)

This weekend we start one of the ranch's biggest fund raisers of the year with a 24 hours bike ride called the Agony. We loaded three U-hauls this morning and all of the staff took off around 11 for Loyalton, a town about 2 hours north of here. There are three station and i'll be out at the Beckwourth station. It's the middle of nowhere where we can yell and cheer the riders on and see some really beautiful scenery. The students are all SOOO stoked...and so am I! I can't wait to tell you all how it went and what I experienced.

I only have 29 days left here...that is so WILD! AH! I'm starting to feel kind of sad about leaving the ranch family. I will miss the students and interns very much. But I still have that excited feeling to know i'm getting on the plane to see my family :) Even though the season of leaving is getting close...it is not right now so I am still very present here and I'm not wishing the time away at all. I still feel so much excitement to have these days left with everyone.

Loving you all more every day!!! :)

Fruit

2009-07-16T13:39:00.001-07:00

The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.

God has put fruit on my heart. For the next 9 weeks (at least) I will be studying, meditating on, praying on, noticing, practicing and be transformed by the fruits of the spirit. A fruit a week. This week was L.O.V.E.

The first thought I had of the fruit of Love was that I could study and meditate on it for the rest of my life and still not fully grasp and understand it. I thought of the Love passage in 1 Corinthians. I thought of all the letters of the apostle John and his words that are also printed on the ring I wear everyday "God is Love" I thought of the entire Bible as a whole and how it is essentially a love story of God going to all kinds of great lengths to get his Beloved back. I thought about the love my family has among one another. The love I have for my friends. And also the love that husbands and wives share. I thought of the hippie movement that is resurfacing with the "All you need is love" attitude. I thought of the love the Father has for the Son and the Son for the Father. And of course the love the Father and Son have for us. I thought of the Shema, and the way Jesus added to it in the New Testament saying "love your neighbor as yourself" The two greatest commandments are about love. How can love transform us? Why is it so important...so big? Because that's what our hearts crave. It's what we function for. It's what we were created for. We were created to love God and Love others.

Here are some ways this week that I have noticed love come softly:

Being celebrated on my birthday
Discipleship time with Jackie
Saturday "guys time" seeing the male students here genuinely seek to be godly men
The love the students have for one another
Random encouragement
Sitting with a friend while she simply lets her troubles spill out
Special "kisses" from God in the form of waterfalls, butterflies, still evenings, and gentle whispers

Here's some things I learned about love:

Sometimes I just don't feel loving, and that's when I have to pray God to give that to me
Love is not a feeling-it's living and active
Some people are MUCH harder to love than others.
Love is freeing, never binding
Love is a choice, you don't just "fall" in love, you choose to love.
God's love is much bigger and more purer than we in our humanness can understand. But I still try my best.

I could go on and on about love and what God is teaching me about it.

I'm loving this "fruity" journey so far :) I'm excited to see what else God has to tell me. Next week is Joy.

I love you all mucho mucho mucho!!!!!

In the Wilderness...

2009-07-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil....

My thoughts come from that passage in Matthew 4 today (check it out). Jesus was taken out into the wilderness led by the Spirit. I think that's something of note right there. God led him into the desert. God wanted him to be tested, to be pushed. I have been led out here to the wilderness by the Spirit to be tested, to be pushed beyond what I thought were my limits, to grow. The devil is taunting me, I'm hungry for much more than food, what I hunger for is God, companionship, being able to serve selflessly, encouragement. God is my portion this summer. God wanted all of this for me, he led me to it, and now he is the one getting me through all of it. It's very cool.

This weekend we hosted family camp. over 150 people came to camp out and enjoy activities, worship and bonding time. It was A LOT of work for the staff students and interns and each night we were falling into bed. But it was really cool to see these families, all with their own unique stories and backgrounds, wanting to pull away from the world for awhile and enjoy each other and the love they share for one another. God filled a void for me this weekend as i struggled with missing my family (as usual) He provided encouragement in the "family group" i was placed in, he filled my heart with his love, and opened my eyes to see the love the families had for each other.

I think since being out here I have become more passionate about family. Almost all of the students here come from a very broken home and their parents are no longer together. And that's normal in our culture now. It's sad that people don't take their covenant with God seriously (now I understand there are extenuating circumstances such as abuse and infidelity and such but i'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the people who just stop working at their marriage when things get too hard). I want people to start taking responsibility for their promises and commitment if not for honoring God then for the kids that they bring into the family. These kids lives have been torn because of someone else 's irresponsibility and lack of commitment. It doesn't matter if the parents say "oh this will make their life better, they shouldn't live around the tension and fighting." and to that I say a big fat "bull crap." A kid needs a family, a sense of belonging and to be needed within that family. If you make a covenant...live in it. Period. So there's my two cents on marriage and family.

I had a major breakthrough. I was able to confront a student who was being disrespectful and guide him to seeing he needed to be aware of the way he was speaking to people. I hate confrontation...actually it's really new for me to have to deal with and it's always really scared me to think of being assertive and tapping into that part of me. But God spoke through me to the student's heart and softened it. So I have finally seen proof that God can make me a leader and he can make me bold. He has not given me a spirit of timidity. I'm slowly starting to believe that :)

The rest of my day off will consist of planning the devo I'm giving tomorrow morning and relaxing/celebrating my birthday with Nikki and Tiffany.

Praying/missing/loving you all more every single day :)

Changing heart

2009-07-01T10:10:00.001-07:00

"When I look back at where I've been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was." ~ Gloria Garther

That quote was on the page of my journal for today. It's funny because I have been thinking about that a lot lately and realizing the longer I am here the more I am changing. God is transforming me. I hunger for him. For his word. His love. His wisdom. His nearness. His companionship. Satan is doing everything he can to keep my heart out of this ministry. Making me almost unbearably homesick at times, making me feel insignificant, whispering that I can't make any sort of difference in people's lives, telling me I am not bold enough, strong enough, confident enough. The lies are being told to me everyday. But I don't believe them. And I don't give in. God is protecting me. He has given me encouragement through those around me here and those I love back home. He has given words of truth through is Word. And provided strength and boldness when i feel weak and timid.

I'm almost halfway through my internship. Sunday will be day 45. Then I'm on the downhill. It's really weird. I think the downhill is actually going to be much harder than the uphill. I will learn harder lessons and will be transformed even more. It makes me a little nervous to think of who I will be when this is all over. How will I interact and connect with people back at home and school? How will I respond to situations? How much will my life be transformed? I have no clue. I don't think any of it will be bad...just different. A year ago I prayed for God to place me somewhere that would make me grow and stretch me farther than I ever have been. I'm getting what I asked for now :) It's a very humbling feeling. It's hard...hard beyond words. But I think I like it. Knowing that I can't do it without God, feeling like if I don't have him I'll drown. That's a beautifully desperate feeling that I hope will never go away.

I wish I could put into words what I am experiencing and how I feel. But this ministry is so much bigger than I am...so much bigger than any of the staff or other interns. It's GOD SIZE...and I don't think any of us can wrap our minds around what is going on here. Maybe only a little bit. And even then we can barely understand.

Thank you for covering me in prayer. I need it every hour every day. I love you all so very much.

whoa my lanta!

2009-06-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

This week has been....wild.

I'm really not even sure where to begin. Which is kinda part of what's on my heart. I have been experiencing so much and on so much sensory overload that I'm having a hard time understanding and processing everything that I'm thinking and feeling about things. In my counseling session Susan pointed out to me that I have a hard time describing my own heart outside the influence of other people's feelings and all. With the way that I am I always want to make sure that everyone else around me (especially these students) are ok, then I might be able to focus a little bit on myself. So I'm going through a time right now where it feels like I'm having an out of body experience and I'm watching it all from somewhere else. I can't make complete sense of what I'm experiencing, feeling and thinking. It gets pretty frustrating sometimes. And I'm kinda just waiting on the Lord to unscramble at least a little of it for me.

I realize as I write this that it's probably so confusing to you all. I apologize...it's confusing to me as well :) I guess at the bottom line...things are good. God is moving and I know that. I'm just not exactly sure what he's doing through me. yet.

I had a break down moment on Monday. All the girls had been EXTREMELY stressed for a few days. Sometimes in residential counseling ministry ya just get those times that everyone is on edge and working through things that are really difficult and emotionally tiring. Monday was the height of it. And I broke down because I had been feeling like I'm not doing any good for anyone at all. I was questioning why God had even brought me out here if I was going to be so useless the entire time. And while I was crying Nikki came in and the Lord used her to speak to me. I guess I'm doing a great job, and the students love me and are think I'm doing a great job. Sometimes I feel like I suck...but maybe that's when God is moving the most. When I feel like I suck...he's shining and living through me the most. Later there was yelling between the students...followed by tears of brokenness. Things are really up and down here.

Monday progressively got better. I cooked an ENTIRE thanksgiving dinner by myself. It was stinkin amazing. I made a turkey for the first time ever. Homemade stuffing, cranberry sauce, veggies, gravy, smashed potatoes and fruit salad. It took me six hours (mainly because of the turkey) but it ended up being so incredible. I know it sounds probably really silly but I felt so accomplished after it. And hearing the reaction from the students saying how good it was made it all worth it. I liked doing that for them, giving them something special and good.

Today was my one day off. I slept in a little then I went and walked around the mall for a bit. I ate lunch there and read some of a book. It was very relaxing. And no one even yelled at me while I was driving :) (They like to yell out here...even if you don't do anything wrong haha) I think the rest of the evening is going to consist of reading the rest of my book and possibly watching beauty and the beast.

I have 55 days left out here. Sometimes I get into a panick thinking that's not enough time, what can I possibly do to impact these students in just 55 days? But I have to remember a couple things 1. God is much bigger than I am. 2. He has much more than 55 days to work in these students lives.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! :) :) :)

Come and See...

2009-06-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

"Can anything good come from Nazareth?"...

...Come and See.

These words struck me as I read a devotion from Max Lucado's book Grace For the Moment

"Nathanael's question still lingers, even two thousand years later... Can anything good come out of Nazareth? Come and see.

Come and see the lives changed:
The alcoholic now dry,
The embittered now joyful
The shamed now forgiven
Marriages rebuilt, the orphans embraced,
The imprisoned inspired...
Come and see the pierced hand of God touch the most common heart, wipre the tear form teh wrinkled face, adn forgive the ugliest sin. Come and see. He avoids no seeker. He ignores no probe. He fears no search. Come and see."

I have a few thoughts about this. First a little background on the town of Nazareth. At the time of Jesus the Roman Empire was the world dominating power. Nazareth was a tiny town on the outer reaches of the Roman expanse. Basically it was a nothing town. Like Shirley or Wilkinson Indiana. :) For "the one Moses wrote about in the Law and about whom the prophets also wrote" to come from here is almost humorous. It's hard to believe the Savior they had been eagerly awaiting could come from such a place. And I think that's exactly why God chose that specific town. Had God chose to come say to the capital, Rome, in a fit of glory and power he would have been affirming all that is not dear to his heart and true to his character. God cannot help but be humble. That is just his nature. Jesus had a humble beginning, a humble life, and a criminal's death. This is why many of the Jewis people rejected him then, and still many reject him today. Because Jesus is not the Messiah they were expecting. Everything about his character and his life exudes humility. I'm learning a lot on humility right now. It's not a destination. It's a journey. And you're never fully there...at least for very long. And the minute you think you're humble...you're not.

Thought Number two. I think it's true what Lucado says that "Nathanael's question still lingers..." I think at some point in our lives we all ask this question. Can this Jesus fellow really be legit? Could he really be God? Could he really save me? Could he really be what I have been longing for? And we all have someone in our lives that has said "Come and see." Come and see for yourself how good he is. How filling his life is. How wide his mercy and how deep his grace is. How humble his love is. Come, taste and see that the Lord is good. Come and see. See for yourself.

It's been a very busy few days for me. Packed full of activities, work, learning lessons, listening for God's voice, investing in others, and the list goes on. And I've had all day today to reflect on it and try to let my heart and brain process what all has been learned and experienced so far. One thing I learned a little bit about was selfless love. Love is searching through an entire room for a spider that was found in a girl's bed. Love is letting that same terrified girl sleep in your twin sized bed with you just so she's not so frightened. Love is having patience with another girl so terrified of the spider she's threatening to go home :)

I think i'm going to have A LOT more of these moments this summer. But they are so worth it.

2009-06-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot of new information this time. Did my first day of outdoor work program where I spread mulch and dug some trenches. That was pretty ok I don't mind the work, plus it's just more time I get to be around the students. Then I had indoor work pro. the same day and made some pretty stinkin good cookies for a staff member's surprise party we had for her today in girls time.

Some bad news I got was that my intern coordinators are not letting me leave a week early so I can make it to Josh and Julie's wedding in Maryland. :( That is a huge heartbreak to me and I'm trying really hard not to be angry about it. It's very difficult though.

As interns we are required to do counseling for an hour a week. I had never done counseling before but I was really excited to see what it was like. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't have anything to talk about with her. But we ended up talking the entire hour about my family and how they are so awful to me and how it's affected my life in such a negative way...juuuussssttttt kiddin!! I bragged on my family so much and told her how great every single person is and how God has blessed us :) We talked about how I ended up at Johnson and what some of my dreams are for my life. It was funny because she (susan) and I share a lot of the same passions so we were sitting there getting excited about things together. It was neat.

It's been a week of ups and downs. Really missing family and friends and familiar places. But also loving the time I get to spend with the students. They are all wonderful. That alone affirms why I am here.

Let the good times roll...

2009-06-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

This week was hecka cool (they say hecka a lot here, it takes the place of very or really, i seem to be picking up the lingo fast)

Before I get started I have to say that I have teh best, craziest, funniest, most awesome rock solid family EVERRRRRR!!!! Extended family and friends are included in that too! I have gotten so many cards, emails, and letters of support since I've been here. It's such a great feeling to know the ones I love and miss back home are thinking of me and covering me in prayer. It means so much to me. You all are the biggest blessing in my life. I couldn't do this without your support and encouragement. I'm thinking and missing and praying for all of you. I can't say this enough but Thank you SO much for encouraging and praying for me!

I can't remember where I left off in my last update but I'll start from the beginning of the week-ish. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were our intern training days. We did team building activities, had brainstorming meetings, had meetings where each of us had a chance to share our life story with the group and then we were prayed over, and we ate some delicious food. I had lamb for the first time...it was great! I thought it was steak at first haha.

On Thursday morning the intern team (minus Nikki) left for Yosemite. It was about a four hour drive and we fit 5 people, all of our luggage and most of our food for the weekend in a little honda civic :) I'm sure we looked like a bunch of clowns piling out of this tiny car, but it made for a better adventure...and gas mileage. A man that one of the interns Marcia worked with opened up his house for us to stay in for the weekend. Friday we went to the park and let me just tell you if you haven't had the chance to go to Yosemite...it's totally worth it. We saw El Capitan (there were lots of climbers going up the enormous face of it!) Bridalveil falls was GORGEOUS, Yosemite falls and just driving through the vally was really beyond description. We were pretty tired by the end of the day. Saturday we went to the park again. We saw Mariposa grove of giant sequoia trees! I can't even tell you how amazing it was to stand next to a tree so enormous! I got to fulfill one of my goals and hug one :) We saw the oldest one in the park called Giant Grizzly. The estimate that it dates back to the time of Cleopatra! It's branches alone are as big and wide as a normal tree!! I'll try to upload pictures as soon as I can get a memory card for my phone.

After the grove we drove up to Glacier point, which looks out over the entire Yosemite valley!! Talk about feeling on top of the world! We saw Half Dome and it was HECKA cool! Maybe one day I'll get to climb to the top of it. We could see out for miles and miles. The granite mountain peaks, powerful waterfalls, and deep green valleys captivated me. I was able to see God's beauty and power all mixed up together in his creation.

As I was up there I was reflecting on my life so far. It's not been a long one, but in 21 short years God has taken me on some pretty stinkin cool adventures. I've see and done a lot of really amazing things. I feel like my life has been one great adventure after another. I think that's how my whole life is going to be. And that really excites me. I feel like I am living out what Jesus came to give. "Life, and life to the full." At 21 that's a humbling and amazing feeling.

It's so good to follow him isn't it? Being abandoned to him is the best thing to ever happen to me. It's wrecked my life in the most beautiful way.

An update on the goings on and my heart

2009-05-31T16:46:00.000-07:00

The last few days have kind of been crazy!

Yesterday was graduation celebration up in Angel's meadow. The longer I'm here the more I see God's Spirit is moving through everyone staff, interns, and students. Each one of us are a unique testament to God's "amazing grace."

We had a big reception for the students and their families which was very nice. Then all the interns and students headed over to Doug and Mary Parrott's house to hang out, play games and watch a movie. It was such a nice time. Doug and Mary are great people and have the kind of house that as soon as you walk in you feel at home. It was nice to get to relax and hang out with the students.

Today was church at the ranch which is always a good time. It was a special day because two of the students were being baptized. That is always a great thing to witness.

As soon as church was over all of the students left to go home for a week of break. The interns got the afternoon off! We went out to pizza at a local place that the staff goes to every week. Then I came back and took a long nap! I think tonight we are going to go see the movie "Up."

While the students are gone this week we have intern training. I'm not really sure what it will consist of but I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with my other interns and getting to know them better. It will be good bonding time and a chance for us to refresh and be ready for the summer.

And Trent is really really cool!- written by Trent Thacker (a fellow intern) This is a true statement.

Something that has been bouncing around in my thoughts is the idea of living with passion. I'm reading Erwin McManus' book "Uprising." It focuses on awakening the soul to live passionately. He writes "...the character of God ignites passion for what is good and true. Our quest is to have God's character formed in us so that His passions might burn in us." I'm praying this summer God's character might be formed even more in me so that his passion burns through me. I'm not sure what this will ignite for my life or where it will lead me. But as always I'm sure it will be an adventure. I'm getting more and more excited about this summer journey and what God is going to do. In this place especially it's very hard to question his goodness and power. He is "over all and through all and in all." I take a lot of peace in knowing that.

That's all for now. Thinking of and remembering you all in my prayers. Love you!!!

Some BIG praises!!!!

2009-05-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

God is SOOOOOO good!!!

I have been getting to spend lots of time with the students and I'm starting to feel much more comfortable with them. They have received me very positively which is just one of the big praises I have this morning.

Last night was the graduation banquet and it's a really big deal here at the ranch. The girls get all dressed up (so do the boys but it's not as exciting for them) The girls spent two hours getting ready, hair makeup, new dresses and all. I did two of the girls hair. It was so great to see all of them in their element. Everyone looked so gorgeous and it was great to just step back and watch them enjoy being adored and enjoying who they are in Christ. They were so "girly" and excited, running around in their dresses and high heeled shoes. I loved watching them love being girls. :) And they all felt pretty, and they were all glowing, and it was awesome. Another praise.

The banquet was to honor the three kids that are graduating from high school this Saturday. It's so wonderful to get to be apart of something so huge in their life. They went from not knowing if they would ever graduate to not only doing it, but doing it well! Praise Jesus!

I had my first discipleship meeting with Jackie today. I have gotten to spend time with Jackie over the past few days and she has such a big heart for the Lord and for people. She still struggles with a lot of terrible things that have happened to her in her past, but God is slowly restoring her heart. She and I got an opportunity to just sit and talk about what we are hoping for this relationship and get to know each other a little better. I was nervous going into it because I didn't know how Jackie would respond to me. I know she is uncomfortable with new people and doesn't really like to open up much, but God opened her heart just enough and she read some of her beautiful poetry to me and read some of her favorite verses to me. She said that for the first time ever in her life she was coming into this relationship with an open heart and open hands ready to give and receive. I do think God has so much in store for Jackie and I and he will bind us together as sisters. While I am her discipler, I think God is going to teach much just as much as I hope he teaches her. We will sharpen each other and grow together as friends. It will be such a great journey. This is the biggest praise of all that she feels comfortable with me and is open to what God has in store through the relationship he builds. She is excited about it...and that is MAJOR for her. PRAISE JESUS! :)

Today I am meeting with lots of other people to go over intro stuff. Another intern, Dan, is getting here today which will make our summer intern team complete. I really am so excited for this summer and what God is going to do in me and through me.

Praying for you all. I still miss you. And I love you a lot!

The First 24...

2009-05-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a recap of the first 24 hours here at the ranch. And some travel stories.

I got up at 3 am Friday morning and left the house at 3:30. Carrie, Mom, Kaylie and I got to the airport at 4:30 and got my bags checked. Easy enough. Then we had a little time to kill before my flight at 6:30. We sat at a table for awhile and talked then the time came for me to go through security and be completely on my own. I said a very tearful goodbye and walked through security where 3 people asked if i was alright and one gave me a tissue. So there I am walking through the airport crying and people are staring but I didn't care. I had about an hour before my flight so i got a starbucks passion fruit shaken lemonade ice tea ( it makes me feel cool that I get a long-titled drink) then i went and waited for my flight. The Lord gave me a good gift when I found th at the two people that were supposed to sit next to me on the flight didn't show up! So i got to lay down and sort of sleep for the two hour flight to houston. I got off the plane in houston and waited for about an hour for my connection to Sacramento...that was not as great of a flight. It was 3 1/2 hours and I was just irritated and ready to stop traveling. I finally landed in california at 10:45 (their time is three hours behind the mid-west FYI) So by this time I had been up for almost 12 hours. Jessa who is in charge of the food here at the ranch, picked me up and we went around to different places that donate lots of food to the ranch. We finally made it back around 3:30 (6:30 your time) I met a whole lot of people in a very short amount of time! It was really overwhelming. I then got a chance to unpack my stuff in my room and kind of organize myself. That was really nice. Every friday the intern team goes out for a few hours to hang out so that's what i did last night. We went over to a former intern's relatives house for a really good meal. We got back at 10. I was EXHAUSTED! I had been up for almost 24 hours. I went straight to my room and talked to my sister, then fell asleep. They were very nice and let me sleep in so I chose to sleep til 10. Every saturday morning they have a thing called "girls time" where the girls hang out and do fun things together. This morning that time included watching a moving and doing make-up :) Then it was lunchtime. I got to sit and talk with some of the students. Then I had a meeting with JP one of the intern coordinator's. He gave me my key and handbook which is like the intern "bible" explaining all of the rules and the way things are run and work around the ranch. Now i'm in my office. Yea...I have an office...and my own desk. I feel so legit

It's been such a whirlwind!! I'm not completely sure what to expect or think or feel about all of it. I get the next couple of weeks to really get used to being here, then my "real" responsibilities will start. We have the student graduation on Saturday then the students will all go home for a week at which time the interns will have training and bonding time. We may get to go to Yosemite! YAY!

It's going to take awhile for me to not feel like the "oddball" I just need to give time to let relationships form and grow. I do think it's going to be a great experience.

It's funny how God completely answered all my prayers concerning this internship. I asked him to take me out of my element where I would have to rely totally him...and he certainly came through with that. I know i'm not going to make it through unless he's guiding me. I'm glad that I have this opportunity. I'm nervous and scared and excited and unsure...but God is here with me and he's gonna lead. So i'm ready for whatever he has to show me.

Love and miss you all VERY much!

2009-05-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

At Crossings we're talking aboutreally important things that are central to what we believe. Things that are really hard to explain. As a Christian it's really easy to take the good things like love and compassion and doing good, but it's the things we can't explain or that seem to contradict those other things that we avoid and stumble over. Like the concept of hell for one example. I love this series. It's really intense and heavy stuff. But I think the entire community is going to benefit greatly from it. I am so glad I am a part of a community that dares to think about such things that are difficult to explain. That dares to explore the murky waters.

Blessings

2009-04-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

Here's something that I have once again been hit with. I am blessed beyond measure. People say that all the time that they are blessed but I wonder if they understand the weight of it. Blessed--divinely favored, that's the way the all-knowing Webster defines it. I am divinely favored. Favored by the Almighty God. Isn't it beautifully humbling to find that our God honors and favors us?

I'm a lot more honored than I give God credit for. I have the most amazing family I could ever imagine. We are solid in our love for each other. We actually like being around one another and spending time together. Something that unfortunately is very rare. I go to a school that is really pretty incredible. Although I complain about it sometimes and get tired of it, I really love it. It's cheap, for one thing, because of the generosity of others. It's a place that I'm getting a great education while surrounded by people who really love Jesus. I have met some wonderful friends that are very close to my heart. I have way too much food and way too nice of a place to live.

It makes me wonder why God chose to put me in this position. Why am I the one sleeping in a big warm bed with a full belly at night? Why am I not the one sleeping on the cold hard ground? Why am I not the girl who wound up with cruddy parents who don't care? Why am i not the one who goes days without any food at all, or who has to walk miles just for clean water? This is not to say that I think those without all of these things are not honored by God, because I am sure they are favored and honored in a way that I am not. But I still wonder...Why did God choose me?

I have no idea.

And what do I do with the position I have been given? Move...i think that's what I do. I move, and I let the Spirit move. And I use the blessings and the position I have been given to let Christ's love be shown.

Goodness my...God floors me. I love him more and more every single day. I delight in him. And what is truly amazing is that he delights in me as well.

Chimney Tops

2009-03-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

My very best friend in the whole world Lauren came into town this weekend along with another friend, Jeremy! It was such a GREAT weekend! Friday we walked all around Old City and Market Square. Saturday we went hiking up the Chimney's and it was the most perfect day for it. Once we got to the top we stayed there for about an hour and a half! It is SO beautiful up there! Completely worth the two mile really steep and rigorous hike! I am so blown away by God's beauty and majesty. Here are some pictures from the weekend!

He knows my heart so well

2009-03-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

God is like....the best thing to ever invade my life :)

I got to spend the whole weekend with my brother-in-law and sister and niece. It was really like "the old days" when Carrie, Chris and I would hang out all of the time. I miss those times a lot. But it's better now because little Kaylie is there and she adds a certain flare to the crew that none of us grown ups could bring lol.

She is so awesome! And Carrie and Chris are such amazing parents! If there's one thing Kaylie will never EVER lack it is LOVE LOVE AND MORE LOVE. We are all obsessed with that beautiful baby girl. And we get excited about the dumbest things. I never thought i would be so excited about a baby pooping. But she did and I was so happy for her because she hadn't in like a day (which is not good for babies) Carrie cried a little, Chris was so grossed out because it was NAAASSSTTTTTYYYYY and i was dancing around with her singing "you cute little pooper, good job little pooper" Babies bring out the strange in people.

We watched a movie called fireproof made by the same people who did facing the giants. It was really good. Acting wasn't so great, some of it was cheesy, but the concept of it was really good.

I was having a rough day today because it's getting hard to leave home. I don't really want to be here right now. Not just because of Kaylie but because I really do miss my family. I miss being around them and hanging out with them as much as i want. It's just a hard time in life to be away. And I'm dealing with other things as well, so it was just a hard day. I spent most of it driving so all i had to do was think about everything and i didn't like it. By the time i got back to school i was at a breaking point. I was parking my car and i started crying and i said "God i need you. I really need to know that you're near me and that you love me and you're looking out for me. I really need that." And i came in my room and started unpacking then checked my facebook and on there was a video message from Erin Titus that was just an encouraging word.

There He was. God heard me. He loves me. He's looking out for me. He most definitely cares what's going on in my heart. And he knew I needed that message.

ya know, God is much bigger than I give him credit for. MUCH BIGGER!

This time is still hard, but God is going to keep sending me his messages through his Word and his people. And he will let me know that he is near.

That's all I need to know now.

Kaylie Joanne Butler

2009-03-09T17:17:00.001-07:00

My niece was born on Saturday March 7th at 6:20 am weighing 6lbs 5oz 19 3/4 inches long with a full head of dark hair, big full lips and chubby cheeks. Kaylie was 5 weeks early but all of the doctors said she looked and acted like a full term baby. Everyone gets to go home tomorrow morning! PRAISE GOD!

Carrie was induced Friday morning at 930. By 9 that night she had her water broken. At three am she got her epidural. At 5 am her epidural sent her into excruciating pain. Since she had been on bedrest for almost a month the nerves in her back were bunched together and really tight so when the epidural delivered more medicine to her it sent those nerves into spasms. Since Carrie was in so much pain they decided to do an emergency c-section within the hour. Mom and I got to say goodbye to her as they wheeled her away. She came back an hour and a half later feeling tired but ok. They sent kaylie up to NICU for about 6 hours to be observed and checked out then she got to come downstairs for some food and quality time with mama and dad. Me and the rest of my family got to see her around 230.

Holding her for the first time was like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am absolutely head over heels in love with this little girl. She is my obsession :)

Carrie asked me to stay the night in the hospital with them the first night so that she and chris could get some sleep while I sat up with kaylie. It was great to have the little time with her. I got the privelege of changing her first poopy diaper. She tooted so loud it was hilarious. She also almost peed on me. She chose to wait till i had the diaper almost off until she peed. Luckily i blocked it.

She is such a good baby, rarely cries and if she does its because she's uncovered or she can't find her hands. She loves her mama and daddy and recognizes their voices immediately. When she just wants to let people know she's here she makes these cute little whimpering noises that are really high pitched and adorable.When her eyes are opened she is really responsive and alert to things around her. Her favorite places to be are against her mama or her daddy's chest.

I think she's the funniest, smartest, most beautiful baby girl in the whole world :)

A New Name...

2009-03-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

I was reading through a little bit if Isaiah tonight and I came across a passage that I had read before and loved and I just wanted to share it.

"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (my Delight) and your land Beulah (married) for teh Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons (Builder) marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you."
- Isaiah 62:1-5

I like that God sees us. He knows out hearts. He knows how dirty and worn out they are. And He takes it anyway, and He tells us we're valuable and that He delights in us and rejoices over us.

The end.

This is my life right now...

2009-02-16T17:40:00.000-08:00

My sister is in the hospital on bed rest. She has mild pre-clampsia (don't know how to spell that for sure) basically it's just when you have high blood pressure and rapid weight gain and some other stuff. Right now it's ok, but eventually it will become severe and they will have to deliver the baby early either naturally or by c-section. The doctors think it will most likely be c-section and the baby will be a little bit early. Carrie is 33 weeks along so we are all praying she carries her for another 2 or 3 weeks so she won't have to be in the NICU for very long at all. She weighs 4 pounds right now :) So tiny, but still growing. Right now she is doing great. She is so active especially when they strap the heart monitors around Carrie, she kicks them! I guess she doesn't like things invading her space.

Carrie has a good attitude. Sitting in bed all day and not walking around gets aggitating and boring, but she is a good mama and willing to do anything to help her baby be healthy. I'm so proud of her.

Meanwhile, it stinks being away. I went home this weekend and spent some of friday, half of saturday and all of sunday with her. I hate not being around to help out and keep her company. My mom and Chris are very tired and stressed. Someone always has to be at the hospital with her so it's a pretty crazy schedule for both of them. But they are really hoping it will continue to be for another few weeks. I wish i was there to help out more. Jonathon and I will be going home every weekend from now until the baby is born so we can help out.

I got to take some outfits over to Carrie to pick out the baby's going home outfit. She picked out two different ones just in case she is really super small. They are very cute. I also packed a bear that her daddy got her and her baby blanket that Carrie and I hope she will take with her wherever she goes for the rest of her life (Carrie and I both have blankets like that, we still have them and take them everywhere...people make fun of us. we don't care).

A lot of people have been to the hospital to see her already. And even more have emailed my mom asking if they can help out at all. My family and I are more blessed than I ever realized to have SO many people around us that love and care for us. I am so thankful for them.

I will do better about keeping this updated now that i really have something to say haha. Things you can be praying about are...

~Carrie would continue to have a good attitude and not get discouraged.
~Carrie would be as physically comfortable as possible
~The baby would stay put for another 3 weeks (at least)
~Chris and my mom (Kathy) would get good rest at night and not stress out too bad
~Safe travel for my brother and I as we will be covering a lot of miles traveling back and forth from home to school.
~The baby would continue to grow and develop and arrive a very healthy girl

Everybody's Normal Till you Get to Know Them

2009-01-19T08:58:00.001-08:00

"We were created to draw life and nourishment from one another the way the roots of an oak tree draw life from the soil. Community=living in vital connectedness with others-is essential to human life."

I've been back at school for a week today. Sometimes it feels like I have been here for a whole month, other times it feels like just a couple days. I'm not sure what that means for me.

I have a single room this semester and that has been nice in that i get space just to myself and have a retreat from everything. A place the think with no interruptions. I miss Jenelle so I'm glad she is just across the hall :)

Yesterday I picked up a book that I have to read for my Ministry Relationships class called "Everybody's Normal Till You Get To Know Them" by John Ortberg. That is where the quote above comes from. I wasn't thrilled at all about having to read this book. The title sounds so weird to me. But it was for an assignment so I picked it up anyway and started to read. And I love it. He talks all about living in community and how vital it is for us. That God made us for each other and our hearts are made to long for deep connection with others.

I am longing for connection.

Being back here at school has been very difficult for me. Molly, Julie, and Caleb are all gone. And that's a very strange thing for me. I have found myself withdrawing from people this week. It's been hard for me to connect with anyone. It's not something I'm used to having to put effort towards. That had always come easily to me in the past. But now I'm struggling with it a lot. It's so weird to me how I can be surrounded by a thousand people who love Jesus and are around me everyday...and I still feel alone. I think this is a learning time and growing time for me. I can choose to be withdrawn and shy away from people this whole semester and be miserable, or I can choose to make the effort and invest time in others and have a great semester. I'm choosing the latter. I need to learn how to connect with people again. I just have to be brave enough to make the effort and let people get close to my heart.

Thoughts off the cuff...

2008-12-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my thoughts...

1. Open dorms at Johnson are really silly.

2. Doc's classes are the best when he goes off on tangents. I learn the most from his tangents.

3. I really like Andy Davis' song Believable Doubt. It speaks to my heart. Check it out.

4. I got chocolate's and a card in the mail today from someone i barely know. It brightened my day a whole lot.

5. Chris Dunbar posted a challenge to "say what ya need to say." No matter what. I'm gonna do it.

6. The website www.iamsecond.com is way cool. Check that out too. Jesus changes everything.

7. I really like writing in my journal. And drawing in it. I do it a lot lately

8. Christ came to set us free...i'm learning the weight and true meaning of those words.

9. I've been having really weird dreams lately. That make no sense at all and i wake up laughing.

10. Matt Wertz has a great song called "everything's right" it reminds me of my life :) not because of anything I have done...but because of Jesus...he makes it right.

11. I am thinking of going to Chicago with some friends over break. I'm excited.

12. My parents are the nicest people ever.

13. I'm really gonna miss Molly next semester

14. Painting has become such a beautiful escape for me

15. I really need to get my correspondence course done over break

16. I hope I pass the bio clep so i can graduate early

17. I think God is wrecking my life. I'm really thankful for that.

18. Dave Barnes is probably the funniest person ever.

19. I wanna make my own candy over break

20. My sister saw my niece on the ultrasound yesterday. She has her lips. She's gonna be gorgeous.

21. Adam Grant sings "I hear the prophet calling" so well. I fall in love with him a little every time he does haha =)

22. I'm nervous about next semester. Lots of things will be very very different.

23. I hope i get a job at Starbucks. I've always wanted to be a barista =)

24. I can't wait to go to the art cafe when i get home

25. ew i just ate a molasses chocolate thing...it was very molasses-y

26. I should probably start studying for finals

27. I really wanna get at least 30 thoughts on this list

28. Tuesday's worship in chapel is just what i needed. It's ironic how emptying myself can fill me.

29. I've been in kind of a loner mood lately...and I'm ok with that.

30. I still wanna see lion king at the Murat at home. I hope i get to.

That's all for now.

In the words of Dunbar...Love Loud.

Let the journey begin...

2008-12-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

Creating your own 1001 Day Project

The Mission:

Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?

Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Drum roll please...

1. get a tattoo

2. have a teacup yorkie

3. backpack through Europe

4. live in a city apartment/loft

5. teach a workshop at a big convention

6. paint a huge picture from my heart

7. write a letter to all my friends telling them how much they mean to me

8. graduate college

9. go skydiving

10. learn to surf

11. own a mac

12. write a song

13. finish my neice's painting

14. write a letter to each member of my family.

15. have my own youth group kids

16. spend an entire day in solitude

17. learn to knit

18. make a scarf

19. learn to play guitar

20. be there to hold my neice the day she is born

21. thank my dad for everything

22. make another prayer journal for someone

23. take a random road trip

24. see the grand canyon

25. see an actual broadway play in NYC or chicago

26. spend all day in a bookstore

27. have sushi*

28. hike the chimney's*

29. deliver the message on my heart

30. Watch the sunrise from a mountain

31. Go to Memphis

32. Show Lauren all around knoxville

33. Go a whole month spending no money

34. Read a book a month for a year

35. Don't buy clothes for a year

36. Get a good digital camera

37. Play spoons in a pool

38. Do an in depth, detailed study over one book of the Bible

39. Swim in the Pacific

40. Have the girls over to my house before graduation

41. Visit Lauren at Purdue for a weekend

42. Take my mama on a date

43. Ride the trolly downtown

44. Dance in the middle of Market Square

45. Play in the rain

46. Slip-n-slide down the White House lawn*

47. Finish an entire journal*

48. Go to starbucks at three in the morning

49. Sleep naked

50. Swim with dolphins

51. Break into a hotel pool at night and swim*

52. Sleep on a trampoline

53. Take creative pictures and decorate my apartment with them

54. Make a DVD of OneTruth

55. Read the Bible cover to cover

56. Ride a real train

57. Take food to a homeless person

58. Learn to snowboard

59. Go on a trip just me and my sister

60. See Dave Barnes in concert

61. Camp in my backyard

62. Be an all-american athelete*

63. Go tubing*

64. Visit Grandma and Grandpa in Florida by myself*

65. Listen to my grandparent's stories*

66. Keep a blog*

67. Do "family photo's"

68. Visit all the small shops in knoxville

69. Go to a UT volleyball game*

70. Memorize Romans 8

71. Change the message on an obnoxious church sign

72. go cliff jumping

73. read the irresistable revolution

74. work at a coffee shop

75. give away all the clothes i don't wear

76. fast for three days

77. go fishing with my brother

78. stand in two countries at once*

79. go garage sale shopping

80. Go to Christmas at the zoo

81. walk on the beach at night*

82. hug a redwood tree

83. take art classes

84. use a pottery wheel (idk if its called that)

85. lead a girl to Christ*

86. sleep outside on the ground

87. befriend a stranger

88. have a camp-out with my little brothers

89. take Reagan out

90. skinny dip in a lake

91. stand behind a waterfall

92. go scuba diving

93. own all seasons of boy meets world

94. learn to play piano...better.

95. sacrifice something for someone else

96. write a song with my brother-in-law

97. buy a longboard

98. decorate my neice's room

99. go on a cruise

100. buy a hookah

101. make my own throw pillows.

The ones in red are the ones i've already done...

How Sweet It Is...

2008-12-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

With everything going on lately I have found it really difficult to dive into the Word. My heart just hasn't been there or into it really. I think that's ok too. I used to think I was a terrible person for going through periods of time where my heart just wasn't into reading the Bible. I've learned recently though, it's not about reading, it's about the time and it's about what God can speak to my heart through it.

I've certainly been crying out to God a whole lot during the last few days. That's how I've connected with him...and on a much deeper level than i would have if i had just sat down and mindlessly read my Bible. God and I have had some words over the last week and a half. And it's been real.

But tonight, i felt my heart gravitating back towards the Word, as it eventually does when i go through times like this. So I opened back up to where I left off in Isaiah 42. And God spoke loudly to me. First what captured me was this "Fear not, for i have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." 42:2 I was struck by the abruptness of the words. "you are mine." the end. I am his, he has called out to me by name and I have nothing to fear, because I AM HIS.

The next thing that struck me, and I found it pretty funny because my friend Molly and I had been discussing this verse just a few days ago, was Isaiah 43:19 "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." With all that has happened in the last couple weeks I have been fearful of a lot. I have been hurting and questioning and worrying that I will never be alright after having experienced all of this. And then there's this verse. And God reassures me that he IS doing something new in my heart. It's coming. He's making the darkness into light. He's bringing restoration for my heart. I take so much comfort in that. And I actually find myself excited over it. God is doing a new thing in my heart. :) whew...there are no words for that feeling. I don't know what it could be, or where it could lead me. But he's doing something new.

fyi....

2008-11-30T21:07:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I just do not like waiting on God to show me what he's doing and why and where he's taking me. I just don't like it. the end.

A Body of Believers

2008-11-18T21:09:00.001-08:00

I have been blown away at the incredible support and encouragement from the body of Christ. I think I take for granted how amazing and powerful it is to live in community with other believers. It is powerful because God is present, he dwells among believers gathered. It is amazing because...well because it is :) I am truly humbled to walk alongside some of the men and women that I do every single day. It has helped me see Jesus in a whole new way and I have fallen even more in love with him. I was struck by this verse a few months ago, and it's coming up again. "May the God who gives you endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with ONE HEART AND MOUTH you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. " Romans 15:5

We walk this journey together to glorify our awesome God. What an adventure.

Prepare the way...

2008-11-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

So as of late my prayer has been that God would prepare my heart for my internship this summer. It's a doozy. I'm going out to Northern California to work at a ranch that is for people ages 16-25 who check themselves into this program because they have substance abuse problems, come from abusive backgrounds, struggle with anger, depression...the list goes on. My job will be to mentor and disciple the students there. I get to love them like Jesus loves them. And it's an amazing opportunity for me. This is my heart and my passion. I know I'm going to learn and grow sooooo much while I'm there. I am going by myself so I will have to completely rely on Jesus which is just what I want. I am, however, sort of scared. I'm scared of leaving the comfort of the midwestern culture that I have been brought up in. I'm scared of leaving Caleb for three months. I'm scared I won't know what to do or say to these people when I get out there and I will not be able to help them. I'm scared of feeling lonely and overwhelmed with sadness for them.
But I take comfort in knowing my Jesus is bigger than all of that. And I have no fear in him. He is taking care of all of this, and there is no way i could do it without him. He is going with me. He has paved the way. And now he is preparing my heart for his greater purposes. I'm excited about this new adventure he is taking me on. It's going to be hard. It's going to be fun. It's going to be life-changing. I'm ready to take it all in.

A King and a Kingdom

2008-11-05T09:05:00.001-08:00

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
It's to a King and a Kingdom."

These words are from a song by Derek Webb. And with all of the stuff going on with the election I just wanted to remind myself, and others, that this is not the most important thing in the world.
We serve a BIG GOD. A God who is MUCH bigger than politics.
Let's keep an eternal perspective. There are bigger things going on than who is currently president.
Let your first allegiance be to the King and his Kingdom.

Shalom :)

Workin it out.

2008-09-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

I've been very busy since i've been back in the south. It feels good to be here and doing all the normal things, but i rarely get some real down time. Here are some things that i'm workin out

1. school work- classes are great, so far i like em a lot, i just have a whole lot of homework all the time. But that's ok... I'm up for the challenge

2. Internship- I have decided to go to california for my internship this summer. I am so excited about this because it's right up my alley in what I want to do with life. I get to live with 3 or 4 girls who have checked themselves into this ranch because they have substance abuse problemes, they have come from dysfunctional families, or they have been abused, etc. I get to mentor and disciple them and just show them the love of Christ. God has totally provided a great oppotunity for me here. I can't wait!

3. Volleyball- The team is awesome. I love all the girls. We get along great. We work hard and do our best all the time. I love that. I think this year is our best chance so far to win the banner. OCU is going down!

4. Homiletics- this is my preaching class... yeesh! I am the only girl in there, which doesn't intimidate me, however, this is going to be very stretching for me because i am not the "preaching" type. I am more of the small group sharing thoughts sorta gal. But I am excited to see what God can teach me through this experience. I have to preach once in class and once outside of class. Begin praying for me now!

5. Brother- It's been weird and awesome having Jonathon here. I am so happy he is slowly adjusting and that he is enjoying himself. I get to see him at least once a day. My biggest challenge is trying not to "mother" him. I always want to make sure he's OK and making friends and getting his homework done, and while that's all good... I know he needs to do it on his own. I get to just be the big sister, an example, and it's been nice to just watch him and look out for him. He's doing really well.

6. Listening- I'm working on listening for God's voice a lot more. I am trying to make my time with Jesus very intentional and let him saturate me. I'm also trying to develop a deeper prayer life.

So this semester has started off pretty well. It's gonna be a great one i think. I'm leaving you with some pictures from our Milligan game last tuesday! The End.

Leavin...some thoughts.

2008-08-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

Soooo... I haven't written anything for a super duper long time. Hopefully I will get better at this when I move back to school. Big things are happenin in the next month and big decisions have to be made soon. 1. My younger brother and I are moving into school. It's his first year... parents are empty nesting. I'm a little nervous for them. I know it's going to be a huge adjustment. 2. Volleyball is starting back up with lots of new girls. I'm really excited for all of it. It's going to be an incredible season and I really hope we can get to the point where we treat this as our ministry. 3. I have a hard academic semester coming up but i'm up for the challenge. I am most excited about taking prophets with doc and homiletics with overdorf. Homiletics is going to stretch me a lot, I don't mind speaking in front of people but I've never talked about things that are so close to my heart in front of a crowd... it will be interesting. 4. It's that time to start thinking about internships. Caleb and I were both offered a 7 month internship in Brasil starting January of 2009. We need to decide if we're going to take it by the end of August so that we can start raising support and I can get a passport. I am also going to look into other opportunities as soon as I get back to Johnson.
So these are just some things that have been bouncin around in my head and have been consistantly in my prayers. The end.

I'm 21 Today

2008-07-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
It's funny how giddy I feel on my birthday... even still at 21 I get excited about this day. Is it childish? Yea, maybe a little. But i don't care. I love this day! I love celebrating with my friends and family. And I love the time i get to reflect back on not only the last year, but also the last 21 years. I like to think about where I'm going, where I've been, what I have accomplished, and what I hope to still accomplish. All in all I would say it's been a pretty full life. But there is still much to be done. There is still a lot of living and experiences left for me. It makes me really excited. I feel like I have done quite a bit in my life and seen a lot of things. But when I put it in perspective of what all I haven't seen or done yet... there is still so much more to my life. There is so much more God has to show me. There are more places to visit. More people to impact. To be 21 and sold out for Jesus... what an exciting time in life! What an adventure to live!