Processing

Ooohhh it's been awhile. I don't know if I ignore posting on this because I don't think anyone reads it anymore or because I am too busy. Probably a combination of both. Either way I'll take another crack at trying to keep up.

I started my new internship May 23. And let me tell you it has been a whirlwind ever since. My first day I felt so out of sorts and walked out of there praying "God, I don't know if I'm cut out for this." Before I get ahead of myself I'll tell you what my internship is. I work at the Florence Crittenton Agency as an intern therapist for the Level III residents. In residential programs there are a few different levels. Level III simply means the residents are on lockdown. They are not in jail, it just means that all doors of the building are locked and they cannot get out (I guess it sort of sounds like jail when you put it like that.) We serve kids ages 13-17 who have been court mandated to complete our 60 day program. All of the kids who come to us have struggled with drug abuse/addiction. Most of the kids also come in with lots of traumatic history. I work mainly with their mental health and trauma.

I currently have two clients. Both of whom are as opposite as you can possibly get. A girl and a boy. One very ready for change in life. The other, goes back and forth. These two teach me what patience, persistence, being bold and being creative looks like. They are difficult and they are arrogant teenagers who think they know everything but don't really have a clue. They are frustrating and exhausting. But most importantly they are desperately seeking to be loved. They have sweetness in their hearts and hopes and dreams for their lives. It is a privelege and an honor to work with them and fight for them.

It is such a different world doing therapy with teenagers who have been sent here against their will as opposed to my previous internship doing therapy with college age students who freely and willingly come up to our center. I am challenged every single day. There are days that I walk away thinking I am the worst therapist ever and I'm not doing these kids a bit of good. And there are days I walk away grateful that I had a few moments to just connect with them in a real way.

I have found that I hate the learning process of things. It's like I expect myself to go into a new situation and just automatically get the hang of it and do really well. This was proven even more to me when Christopher started teaching me piano and I felt like I had to master it the first night. It's really silly, I know. I have these impossibly high expectations for myself that will just not be reached. I am being humbled in this process. God's teaching me to just slooooowwwwww dooowwwnnnn and soak it all in. I am here in this place for a whole year. I don't even have my degree yet. I am allowed to not know what I'm doing! I have to allow myself that grace...or I will go crazy.

I've also learned a lot about appreciating that life comes in seasons. Some seasons are incredibly hard and others are calm. This season is a hard one. Not that I am not enjoying it because I love where I am in life. There are many beautiful things happening and I am having a blast. But I am more stressed and busier than I ever have been. I have signed on for a lot of hours at FCA and I have a part time job on top of beginning another year of classes and trying to maintain some semblence of a social life. Things get chaotic sometimes. And stressful. And exhausting. And overwhelming. How am I dealing with it all?? Sometimes not so well. I'll go on autopilot and not give my best to things. Or I will break down and cry...which is needed and ok sometimes.

And then there are the times when I steal some quiet moments in the morning with Jesus and a cup of coffee. Or I let Christopher encourage and love me in a way that warms my soul and renews my spirit. Or paint, or sing, or read, or talk to my family. Or enjoy a Sunday morning setting up for Crossings and connecting with people in my faith community. These are the things that bring it all back into perspective for me. I am doing all of this work for God and I want him to have my excellence. It's these resting places that I have learned to take advantage of. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years it is that God is an on-time God and he gives me these resting places just when I need them. Not all of my life will be chaotic (even though it's hard to believe that sometimes) there are many resting places along the way and calm seasons to come.

This is also a really interesting season in life because I think I am realizing for the first time in a big and real way that I live in Knoxville. I'm not just here because I'm going to school (even though I am still grad school). But I live here because I like it, and I'm more than likely staying here after I graduate in May. This is my home now. It feels so strange to say that. Because it's just me...none of my family. This is a life that I am establishing on my own. It's fun and exciting and scary and sometimes makes me nostalgic for summer evenings spent playing outside with my brother and sister. Visits home to see family are shorter, but certainly sweeter. It all just feels "'naturally weird"...what an oxymoron.

So this was my quick processing of just some of the events in the past few months.

More to come. Much more.