Processing

Ooohhh it's been awhile. I don't know if I ignore posting on this because I don't think anyone reads it anymore or because I am too busy. Probably a combination of both. Either way I'll take another crack at trying to keep up.

I started my new internship May 23. And let me tell you it has been a whirlwind ever since. My first day I felt so out of sorts and walked out of there praying "God, I don't know if I'm cut out for this." Before I get ahead of myself I'll tell you what my internship is. I work at the Florence Crittenton Agency as an intern therapist for the Level III residents. In residential programs there are a few different levels. Level III simply means the residents are on lockdown. They are not in jail, it just means that all doors of the building are locked and they cannot get out (I guess it sort of sounds like jail when you put it like that.) We serve kids ages 13-17 who have been court mandated to complete our 60 day program. All of the kids who come to us have struggled with drug abuse/addiction. Most of the kids also come in with lots of traumatic history. I work mainly with their mental health and trauma.

I currently have two clients. Both of whom are as opposite as you can possibly get. A girl and a boy. One very ready for change in life. The other, goes back and forth. These two teach me what patience, persistence, being bold and being creative looks like. They are difficult and they are arrogant teenagers who think they know everything but don't really have a clue. They are frustrating and exhausting. But most importantly they are desperately seeking to be loved. They have sweetness in their hearts and hopes and dreams for their lives. It is a privelege and an honor to work with them and fight for them.

It is such a different world doing therapy with teenagers who have been sent here against their will as opposed to my previous internship doing therapy with college age students who freely and willingly come up to our center. I am challenged every single day. There are days that I walk away thinking I am the worst therapist ever and I'm not doing these kids a bit of good. And there are days I walk away grateful that I had a few moments to just connect with them in a real way.

I have found that I hate the learning process of things. It's like I expect myself to go into a new situation and just automatically get the hang of it and do really well. This was proven even more to me when Christopher started teaching me piano and I felt like I had to master it the first night. It's really silly, I know. I have these impossibly high expectations for myself that will just not be reached. I am being humbled in this process. God's teaching me to just slooooowwwwww dooowwwnnnn and soak it all in. I am here in this place for a whole year. I don't even have my degree yet. I am allowed to not know what I'm doing! I have to allow myself that grace...or I will go crazy.

I've also learned a lot about appreciating that life comes in seasons. Some seasons are incredibly hard and others are calm. This season is a hard one. Not that I am not enjoying it because I love where I am in life. There are many beautiful things happening and I am having a blast. But I am more stressed and busier than I ever have been. I have signed on for a lot of hours at FCA and I have a part time job on top of beginning another year of classes and trying to maintain some semblence of a social life. Things get chaotic sometimes. And stressful. And exhausting. And overwhelming. How am I dealing with it all?? Sometimes not so well. I'll go on autopilot and not give my best to things. Or I will break down and cry...which is needed and ok sometimes.

And then there are the times when I steal some quiet moments in the morning with Jesus and a cup of coffee. Or I let Christopher encourage and love me in a way that warms my soul and renews my spirit. Or paint, or sing, or read, or talk to my family. Or enjoy a Sunday morning setting up for Crossings and connecting with people in my faith community. These are the things that bring it all back into perspective for me. I am doing all of this work for God and I want him to have my excellence. It's these resting places that I have learned to take advantage of. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years it is that God is an on-time God and he gives me these resting places just when I need them. Not all of my life will be chaotic (even though it's hard to believe that sometimes) there are many resting places along the way and calm seasons to come.

This is also a really interesting season in life because I think I am realizing for the first time in a big and real way that I live in Knoxville. I'm not just here because I'm going to school (even though I am still grad school). But I live here because I like it, and I'm more than likely staying here after I graduate in May. This is my home now. It feels so strange to say that. Because it's just me...none of my family. This is a life that I am establishing on my own. It's fun and exciting and scary and sometimes makes me nostalgic for summer evenings spent playing outside with my brother and sister. Visits home to see family are shorter, but certainly sweeter. It all just feels "'naturally weird"...what an oxymoron.

So this was my quick processing of just some of the events in the past few months.

More to come. Much more.

Yeaaaaa =)

LORD,
Make me an instrument of Your health:
where there is sickness,
let me bring cure;
where there is injury,
aid;
where there is suffering,
ease;
where there is sadness,
comfort;
where there is despair,
hope
where there is death,
acceptance and peace

GRANT that I may not:
so much seek to be justified,
as to console;
to be obeyed,
as to understand;
to be honored,
as to love...
for it is in giving ourselves
that we heal,
it is in listening
that we comfort,
and in dying
that we are born to eternal life.

(prayer of St. Francis)

It seems that I finally found words to go with my deepest desire. This prayer said so many years ago encompasses what rests in the deepest parts of me. To be an instrument of God's health...mmm i love it. I'm seeing how deep this desire goes in me each day I get to work with clients. Being in the therapy room isn't always easy or pleasant, but I wake up every day feeling so priveleged to be an instrument of God's health and to help bring shalom to a desperate people. Yeaaaaa....it's good. And it's peaceful. It's like a deep, fulfilling breath of air.

I guess that's really all I have to say about it. :)

Wrestling

I have been wrestling, so this messsage is about wrestling. Not literally.

Also, this message is a direct effect of being harrassed by a friend to do this. :) But I'm ok with it because I have needed to update this pitiful blog. So forgive me if this is all over the place, these are my thoughts on a whim.

I started Grad school almost two months ago and it has been a crazy whirlwind of an experience so far. I always have stuff to do and it is challenging me in many many ways. Academically it is do-able, just very time consuming (30 page papers don't take just an hour to do) and I really like learning about everything...it's really amazing to me. Mentally and emotionally and I am being tested all of the time. I'm tired a lot, and stressed more than I ever have been in my life. My clients are working through hard things and I am honored to be a part of their journey. I carry them in my heart throughout the day and lift each of them up to God who is their ultimate healer. I'm learning about how important intercession on my client's behalf is. If I didn't have Jesus to talk to about them and for them, I would feel so burdened by the hurt they experience. God is showing me so much of his heart through all of this. I'm learning that by myself, I cannot help any of the people who come up here to the counseling center. It is all Him. And I rely so much on his wisdom and love to guide me through each session. That's also a humbling thing and I like it. He is increasing so much more in my life. But that's not to say it isn't difficult. I wrestle with Him a lot about it...probably because I am stubborn. But that's part of what I love about God is that He lets me push back and then He pushes and then I push back until eventually I get it. I don't know if that makes sense but it makes sense to me so I don't care. I want to become like him and I think He is slowly but surely workin that out with me. I'm also working through accepting/knowing who I am in the Kingdom. 1 Corinthians talks about being part of the body...but what part am I? And am I really fulfilling my part? And what do I have to offer to the Kingdom? I don't know...I'm still wrestling with that.

But I do know that I love what I get to do every day. It is not easy at all, but I love that God has chosen me to help people wrestle. And I love that He's letting me wrestle.

More to come...

The latest developments...

*I've applied to the grad program here at Johnson for Marriage and Family Therapy and Professional Counseling! I did not see this coming at all! God had kind of got me thinking about it last semester but I just figured maybe it would be an option way down the road after I have worked for a while. It turns out he had a sooner start date in mind :) I'll be here for another two years, which most of the time I am ok with but sometimes when I start to think about how I will not graduate until I'm almost 25 and won't be licensed until I'm 27 and how my friends are moving on to jobs...I get a little bit down. But God always seems to pick me right back up in the same instant. I have a TON of peace about this decision. I am so excited to further my education and to add to my undergrad degree in youth ministry. I think if I do decide to work in a church this degree could only help me. It makes my options for careers and ministry so much more broad...and I love it :)

* I am getting an apartment with three awesome girls, Molly Aper, Jenelle Blackburn and Erica Spoonmore. We'll live together for at least nine months starting in May. We are all really excited about moving in together and our house is AMAZING! It will be a lot of fun.

* I'm really enjoying this semester of classes. Maybe it's because I'm getting a little older, but I really like to go to my classes and learn. I value all of it. I've not really felt that way very much over the last three years, but I'm glad I do now since I have two more years!

* I got to go home over the weekend and celebrate Kaylie's 1st birthday. It was SO cool to be there surrounded by so many people who love her. She has been a huge blessing to our family. She's our little shining light :) It has been so cool for me as her aunt to watch her grow in every phase of her life so far and to know that I'll get to see every stage that is to come. I have so many hopes and dreams and prayers for her life. It will be incredible to get to be a part of her journey.

* That's it for now.

I have 4 minutes to write this thought

A very quick thought...

I'm not so great at anything I do. And that's ok. When it gets down to it, Jesus is all that matters...not me. This life just isn't about me, not even a little bit.




That's refreshing.

A fountain of Life

Sooooo it's been a super long time since I've written on here. I was still in California when I put something up. Sometimes it seems like that time in my life is something I made up. Or dreamt about. It's really strange. But then other times it's like in my face and very real to me. I'm still remembering lessons and relearning some and digging deeper into others and realizing how it has all effected me as a person. How I think, how I act, how I speak, how I work and plan and organize and communicate...it's all been effected by my experience in the wilderness. I think that's what God wanted for me though. I know it's what I wanted for myself. There will probably be more thoughts to come on this, but for now this is what's on my heart:

"The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life..." (Proverbs 10:9a)

I've been thinking a lot about my words and whether they are life-giving, encouraging, thoughtful, and intentional. We've all heard the phrase coined by Thumper from Bambi "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all." And while that may be true (to an extent) I think this verse goes much deeper than just saying nice things to people. I think it's talking about being intentional with what you are saying. It's talking about bringing life to another person and maybe even yourself through thoughtful and intelligent words. The way you speak and what you speak about can signify what you worship, what you care about, what you don't care about, and your integrity. I want my mouth to be an overflow of my heart and I want my heart to be a fountain of life. I want to talk more about things that matter instead of what I've done today or what I'm doing tomorrow or over break, I want to be more bold instead of silencing my thoughts because I'm afraid of what people will think, I want to be more encouraging instead of cutting, I want to speak with more wisdom instead of shallowness. I want to choose to speak in love instead of hatefulness. (A good friend reminded me of that the other day :) ) And I want the community that I live in to want this too. I want Johnson to be known as a community filled with men and women of purpose and integrity. Who lift each other up instead of tear each other down. Who speak in love to one another. And bring life to each other.

So this is what's on my heart and what I'm hoping to work on and get better at. Being a fountain of life.

The Good LIfe

I figured out I'm living the good life.

I have a great family. Great friends. I'm covered in prayer and love by those people every day. And I serve a God who pursues me, takes away my burdens and offers me rest instead. Couldn't ask for more. I'm really content. And at peace. Which is the fruit I've been focusing on for the past week...and I've decided to go another week with it because I feel like God has more to show me about it.

I haven't written in awhile so I'll just put the big stuff on my heart right now. Last Tuesday I had counseling and Susan asked me "When you get home, what do you want to know in your heart?" And I started crying and I said " I want the students to know how much I love them. Because I really do." I came here expecting to care and love to an extent...but I never expected to fall so much in love with them. I carry them in my heart now. I decided to sit down individually with each student and tell them how much I love them and how they have impacted me. When I get home I want to know that I gave my heart away to them. I don't want any regrets. Before coming here I made the decision to dive in head first and not come up for air. I didn't want to take this opportunity God gave me for granted. So I've thrown myself into it...and the result was love. I'll take it. Susan affirmed a lot in me...like she always does. She basically told me I love without rules. And I don't give up on it. Even when it feels like that love isn't reciprocated I keep with it. I think she sees more in me than I do...but that's ok, God has used her this summer.

I've started to reflect a lot on my time here. I only have two weeks left so I want to try to prepare my heart for leaving. I'm most scared of leaving and the transformations that have happened in me, the lessons I've learned, the experiences, will all feel like a dream and I won't be able to really process what has happened to me the last 3 months. I need prayer that God helps me remember the experiences, encounters and lessons. That the transformation will be brought to completion in this part of my journey.

I'm also really nervous about going back to school. I'm hoping my friendships will be just as strong if not stronger than when I left. I guess I'm just scared because I know I've changed some (not in huge bad ways) that I will have trouble adjusting or relating. I don't know...I hoping that's not how it will be. That's something else you all can be praying about.

Other than all of that I'm just trying to finish out the internship really strong. I've made the commitment to be fully present and "in it" until I get on the plane. I don't want to check out on the students and I don't want them to check out on me. There is still love to be given, lessons to be learned and time to be shared. God will still blow me away in the next couple weeks.