whoa my lanta!

This week has been....wild.

I'm really not even sure where to begin. Which is kinda part of what's on my heart. I have been experiencing so much and on so much sensory overload that I'm having a hard time understanding and processing everything that I'm thinking and feeling about things. In my counseling session Susan pointed out to me that I have a hard time describing my own heart outside the influence of other people's feelings and all. With the way that I am I always want to make sure that everyone else around me (especially these students) are ok, then I might be able to focus a little bit on myself. So I'm going through a time right now where it feels like I'm having an out of body experience and I'm watching it all from somewhere else. I can't make complete sense of what I'm experiencing, feeling and thinking. It gets pretty frustrating sometimes. And I'm kinda just waiting on the Lord to unscramble at least a little of it for me.

I realize as I write this that it's probably so confusing to you all. I apologize...it's confusing to me as well :) I guess at the bottom line...things are good. God is moving and I know that. I'm just not exactly sure what he's doing through me. yet.

I had a break down moment on Monday. All the girls had been EXTREMELY stressed for a few days. Sometimes in residential counseling ministry ya just get those times that everyone is on edge and working through things that are really difficult and emotionally tiring. Monday was the height of it. And I broke down because I had been feeling like I'm not doing any good for anyone at all. I was questioning why God had even brought me out here if I was going to be so useless the entire time. And while I was crying Nikki came in and the Lord used her to speak to me. I guess I'm doing a great job, and the students love me and are think I'm doing a great job. Sometimes I feel like I suck...but maybe that's when God is moving the most. When I feel like I suck...he's shining and living through me the most. Later there was yelling between the students...followed by tears of brokenness. Things are really up and down here.

Monday progressively got better. I cooked an ENTIRE thanksgiving dinner by myself. It was stinkin amazing. I made a turkey for the first time ever. Homemade stuffing, cranberry sauce, veggies, gravy, smashed potatoes and fruit salad. It took me six hours (mainly because of the turkey) but it ended up being so incredible. I know it sounds probably really silly but I felt so accomplished after it. And hearing the reaction from the students saying how good it was made it all worth it. I liked doing that for them, giving them something special and good.

Today was my one day off. I slept in a little then I went and walked around the mall for a bit. I ate lunch there and read some of a book. It was very relaxing. And no one even yelled at me while I was driving :) (They like to yell out here...even if you don't do anything wrong haha) I think the rest of the evening is going to consist of reading the rest of my book and possibly watching beauty and the beast.

I have 55 days left out here. Sometimes I get into a panick thinking that's not enough time, what can I possibly do to impact these students in just 55 days? But I have to remember a couple things 1. God is much bigger than I am. 2. He has much more than 55 days to work in these students lives.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! :) :) :)