Changing heart

"When I look back at where I've been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was." ~ Gloria Garther

That quote was on the page of my journal for today. It's funny because I have been thinking about that a lot lately and realizing the longer I am here the more I am changing. God is transforming me. I hunger for him. For his word. His love. His wisdom. His nearness. His companionship. Satan is doing everything he can to keep my heart out of this ministry. Making me almost unbearably homesick at times, making me feel insignificant, whispering that I can't make any sort of difference in people's lives, telling me I am not bold enough, strong enough, confident enough. The lies are being told to me everyday. But I don't believe them. And I don't give in. God is protecting me. He has given me encouragement through those around me here and those I love back home. He has given words of truth through is Word. And provided strength and boldness when i feel weak and timid.

I'm almost halfway through my internship. Sunday will be day 45. Then I'm on the downhill. It's really weird. I think the downhill is actually going to be much harder than the uphill. I will learn harder lessons and will be transformed even more. It makes me a little nervous to think of who I will be when this is all over. How will I interact and connect with people back at home and school? How will I respond to situations? How much will my life be transformed? I have no clue. I don't think any of it will be bad...just different. A year ago I prayed for God to place me somewhere that would make me grow and stretch me farther than I ever have been. I'm getting what I asked for now :) It's a very humbling feeling. It's hard...hard beyond words. But I think I like it. Knowing that I can't do it without God, feeling like if I don't have him I'll drown. That's a beautifully desperate feeling that I hope will never go away.

I wish I could put into words what I am experiencing and how I feel. But this ministry is so much bigger than I am...so much bigger than any of the staff or other interns. It's GOD SIZE...and I don't think any of us can wrap our minds around what is going on here. Maybe only a little bit. And even then we can barely understand.

Thank you for covering me in prayer. I need it every hour every day. I love you all so very much.